When I say "We" in this post, I mean that (see my final paragraph). I'm telling myself off as much as anything else.
If we have strong negative feelings about other people, if, for example, we feel angry or ill-used, what should we do about it? What should those who love us do about it?
Anger can be quite enjoyable, and we all relish being right, or feeling right. But supposing we have it wrong, or perhaps partially wrong. Does that mean that the relish, or some of the relish, will have to stop? Far better, our demons may say, to obstinately cling to those feelings as our sacred right, without regard to their justification in fact.
If those we love are in the grip of such feelings, whether towards us or others, what is our duty to them? Should we try to point it out if we think they're wrong. Does that depend on whether their feelings are making them suffer or whether they're in some sense glorying in their righteousness? Overall, either way, I think we have to try and reason with them. First, because we don't want those we love to suffer needlessly if we think they are suffering needlessly. And second, because if we think they're nurturing feelings without regard to their basis in fact, because they just need to have that feeling, and don't care against whom it's levelled, or what its consequences might be, then we may think that they've lost their way, spiritually or otherwise, if they put their right to have feelings ahead of everything else.
I speak as someone who has caused pain by relishing disproportionate anger. It can displace love and rationality, and I must resist it if I wish to be capable of either, and I know I am.
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Reg,
ReplyDeleteI'd say you had a duty to your friend to stay out of their business if, as you say, they are truly "nurturing feelings without regard to their basis in fact, because they just need to have that feeling, and don't care against whom it's levelled, or what its consequences might be, then we may think that they've lost their way, spiritually or otherwise, if they put their right to have feelings ahead of everything else."
If you truly believed that your judgment was right about all of that, and you feel you've exhausted all of your sympathy, empathy, (whatever), then why are you wasting your time? It's your duty to find people who agree with your perceptions and befriend them.
You're right to point out that love isn't based purely on agreement. Otherwise we learn nothing. All my life, I've made my emotions subservient to the business of getting things done. I guess I assume everyone else feels the same. If I try to apply this to others, it doesn't allow them to have their emotions out as they want to. I naturally think of friends as people who fix things, and sometimes, of course, that's just not possible. Or maybe people don't want to get fixed, or want to fix themselves on their own time.
ReplyDeleteSomething of an epiphanic realisation for me this. Thank you.
Reg,
ReplyDeleteYes, it's difficult to get used to other people's ways, especially when we are so used to doing things one way and having that be fine for those around us. I also know the business of being up close and personal to someone takes work because it's different. Maybe we've never had to do that before. Maybe no one has challenged us before. Being open is far better than being closed off. Isn't it? I think for me, it's all new too.
"Being open is far better than being closed off. Isn't it?"
ReplyDeleteI agree completely. If old ways didn't make us happy, then it's time to break cover. Like Eve and Adam, confronted by knowledge of their nakedness, once you discover something fundamental about yourself, it's pointless to pretend that you haven't discovered it, and impossible to put that knowledge back in the box. It may not be practical, it may not be comfortable, but we can be too risk averse, as we certainly are over here with our "health and safety" culture.
Lawrenz Hart said: "A fine romance; you won't wrestle". We either take the risk and "Wrestle with the angel", or we stay home counting sheep.